Cheeky Horoscopes


ARIES March 21st-April 19th
If you want action and adventure, then Aries is the mate for you. If you
want to stay at home stuffing your face full of chocolates and watching
Eastenders - forget it; Aries just love to be doing things, and are not
content unless jumping from an aeroplane dressed as a Womble whilst playing
the mandolin.
One of the least romantic of the signs, Aries can be irritatingly rational
and taciturn with their emotions, and would rather jump in a vat of boiling
cheese than sit down and 'talk about it'. If, however, there's a
conversation going on, they'll want to be involved, and their tendency to be
pushy, opinionated, egomaniacal, poor losers, accounts for why so many of
them are politicians. But while their competitiveness can be overbearing at
times, Aries are usually honest and straightforward, can be very
entertaining and have a healthy appetite for sex.
COMPATIBLE SIGNS: Leos and Sagittarians; next best, Gemini, Libra and
IDEAL ARIES/LEO COUPLE: Chris Evans and Michael Jackson

LEO July 23rd-August 21st
Often found sitting on one kind of a throne or another, Leos look down on
their adoring partners and friends with warmth and affection. Let them think
this is how it really is, as flattery will get you everywhere with a Leo.
Hurt their pride however, and you'll incur the wrath of the gods; dare joke
to a Leo that he/she has a fat arse, small willy or halitosis, and you'll
find yourself on the receiving end of a cricket bat. Leos do, nevertheless,
love to surround themselves in luxury, so taking them out for a KFC and half
a shandy on the first date is probably a bad idea. Treat them to a swanky
meal, fur coat and luxury cruise though, and you'll be quids in.
COMPATIBLE SIGNS: Sagittarius and Aries; next best, Gemini, Libra and
IDEAL LEO/ARIES COUPLE: Arnold Schwarzenegger and Henry James.

SAGITTARIUS November 22nd-December 21st
The most intelligent of the fire signs, the Sagittarian's life is just one
big adventure. Potential partners should be prepared to allow them tons of
freedom though; cramp their style or get too pushy in a relationship and
they will bugger off sharpish, and the last you'll hear of them will be via
a postcard from Kuala Lumpur. Well known for not mincing words, and speaking
whatever is on their minds, Sagittarians can, in a nutshell, be bloody rude.
Add to this the fact that they are terrible flirts and notorious
spendthrifts (who will think nothing of maxing out your credit card in a
single afternoon) and you might think you've got your work cut out for you.
But should you truly win a Sagittarian's heart, he/she will stick with you
for life.
COMPATIBLE SIGNS: Aries and Leo; next best, Gemini, Libra and Aquarius.
IDEAL SAGITTARIUS/ARIES COUPLE: Sara Cox and Otto von Bismarck.


TAURUS April 20th-May 20th
The most sensual sign of the zodiac, Taureans are interested in food, money
and sex, all on a regular basis and usually in that order. A slightly less
appealing trait, however, is their tendency to express themselves in a
rather bombastic and abrupt way, and in conversation they can come across
like the proverbial bull in a china shop. While possessiveness can be a
problem in love, there is a dependable warmth and stability about Taureans,
though their unadventurous nature can quickly become a bore, as you find
yourself spending yet another night in with them, playing dominoes and
drinking cocoa. They are also prone to farting quite a lot.
COMPATIBLE SIGNS: Virgo and Capricorn; next best, Cancer, Scorpio and
IDEAL TAURUS/VIRGO COUPLE: David Beckham and Goethe.

VIRGO August 23rd-September 23rd
Perfectionist, hypochondrial, neurotic, pernickety and fastidious, Virgos
make ideal partners for anyone who fancies living out an eternal teenage
To be fair, Virgos are also extremely diligent, can be very good at
analysing any problems that may come up with their partners, and are capable
of taking charge of situations. Not to put too fine a point on it, they
enjoy sticking their noses into things that don't concern them - whether it
be reorganising your wardrobe, mending your fridge, or arranging your
grandma's birthday party. Never say 'Well, what do you think?' to a Virgo as
it will result in a forthright, two hour lecture (complete with diagrams and
slides) on where exactly you're going wrong.
COMPATIBLE SIGNS: Capricorn and Taurus; next best Cancer, Scorpio and
IDEAL VIRGO/CAPRICORN COUPLE: Greta Garbo and Mark Lamarr.

CAPRICORN December 22nd-January 19th
Not only are Capricorns one of the most boringly conventional signs, but
they are also ambitious, manipulative, social-climbing control freaks who
carry the weight of the world on their shoulders and spend much of their
time being all-round misery-arses. In fact going out with one must be like
dating a disturbing cross between Jeffrey Archer and a tenage Goth. The one
redeeming feature of Capricorns, however, is that they are very good at
keeping a secret, especially one of their own.
COMPATIBLE SIGNS: Taurus and Virgo; next best, Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces.
IDEAL CAPRICORN/TAURUS COUPLE: David Bowie and Queen Elizabeth II.
(Okay I have been a bit hard on the old goats here! They can also be the very model of integrity
and despite being miserable, they are often blessed with a brilliantly dry sense of humour.
Their grasp of reality is greater than any other sign. Some are my friends... honest!)


GEMINI May 21st-June 21st
Geminis are all children at heart - loud, jabbering, annoying, and in need
of a good clip round the ear. They can also be irritating smarty-pants. On
the plus side they are affectionate, generous, and the life and soul of the
party, always something amusing to say about anything and everything. In
love they are notorious flirts and often find it difficult to be totally
faithful. If they get bored, it's usually their own fault for having the
attention span of a flea, and you should never pander to them when they get
like this, it's much better to be firm and send them to bed early without
any tea. Remember the rule; 'spare the rod, spoil the child'.
COMPATIBLE SIGNS: Libra and Aquarius; next best, Aries Leo and Sagittarius.
IDEAL GEMINI/LIBRA COUPLE: Arthur Conan Doyle and Catherine Zeta Jones.

LIBRA September 23rd-October 22nd
Librans are emotionally needy, and can be clingy. The search for the perfect
relationship is all-important to them, and they may devote the whole of
their lives to this end. Due to their charm, beauty and willingness to
compromise, many Librans actually find their perfect partner. Be warned
though, never cross a Libran in love, or you might find certain sections of
your anatomy removed and kept in the bedside cabinet as keepsakes. For this
reason if a Libran asks "Do you really love me?" you should always respond
with a fervent "Yes of course, my darling", rather than a jocular "No way,
fatso. You look like a bucket of sick."
COMPATIBLE SIGNS: Aquarius and Gemini; next best, Aries, Leo and
IDEAL LIBRA/GEMINI COUPLE: Mahatma Ghandi and Angelina Jolie.

AQUARIUS January 20th-February 18th
Although friendly to everyone, Aquarians are quite obsessive about their
personal freedom and can be prone to keeping an emotional distance in a
relationship. Then there's their general eccentricity to contend with, as
Aquarians are prone to doing things just for the hell of it - such as
setting fire to your grand piano, super gluing your eyelids shut while
you're asleep, or turning up to your mother's funeral in a clown costume -
so if you want a quiet life, it's probably best to give them a wide berth.
COMPATIBLE SIGNS: Gemini and Libra; next best, Aries, Leo and Sagittarius.
IDEAL AQUARIUS/GEMINI COUPLE: Charles Darwin and Kylie Minogue


CANCER June 23rd-July 23rd
While home and family are the most important things to Cancerians,
emotionally they are very sensitive and easily hurt. Probably the worst
thing you could do on meeting a Cancerian would be to walk into his/her home
with a look of distaste, pick up a family photo on the table and announce
jokingly, "God, it's a bit poky in here....and is this a picture of your
sister? Christ she's even uglier than you!" as even though they might share
the joke with you, secretly they have marked this moment down mentally in
their little black book and will never ever, ever, ever, ever forgive you.
In love too, they can put up a front of steely resolve and hostility, but
bite through and you'll find a soft creamy centre (strawberry creme say, or
caramel) and can be very romantic once this hard outer shell has been
broken. Cancerians also have a tendency to be secretive, and are fond of
squirreling possessions away - letters, photographs or bloodstained knives.
You can spot Cancerian women, and curiously, sometimes Cancerian men too, by
their large breasts.
COMPATIBLE SIGNS: Scorpio and Pisces; next best, Taurus, Virgo and
IDEAL CANCER/SCORPIO COUPLE: Julius Caesar and Yasmin Le Bon.

SCORPIO October 23rd-November 21st
Traditionally, Scorpios are obsessed with sex. There is some truth in this,
but if you're looking for a superficial fling go elsewhere. A passionate
sense of purpose is always behind the actions of a Scorpio, and that
includes love relationships, but watch out for the famous sting in the tail;
Scorpios are also control freaks, have a tendency to be obsessive, and are
prone to jealous rages. Never offend a Scorpio unless you want to end up
dead in a ditch with a knife in your heart. They're so scary that we're
going into hiding after writing this about them.
COMPATIBLE SIGNS: Pisces and Cancer; next best, Taurus , Virgo and
IDEAL SCORPIO/CANCER COUPLE: Prince Charles and Ringo Starr.

PISCES February 19th-March 20th
Our fishy friends are a creative bunch - often with a gift for art, music,
poetry or hairdressing. They're also terrible gossips; fishwives,
appropriately enough. Never tell a Pisces anything, it'll be all over town
before you know it, and everyone will know that you enjoy dressing up in big
nappies. More than any other sign though, Pisceans are capable of genuinely
selfless giving; they live through other people and being loved by a Piscean
can be a deeply spiritual experience. when a Piscean is upset, however, they
will play the martyr; preferring to suffer untold silent agonising torments,
rather than simply dealing with the bloody situation. Reality too can be
elusive to Pisceans, and should their dreams get shattered, they'll fall
apart, have a nervous breakdown and spend three weeks in bed crying and
bingeing on Battenburg Cake.
COMPATIBLE SIGNS: Cancer and Scorpio; next best, Taurus, Virgo and
IDEAL PISCES/CANCER COUPLE: Michelangelo and Helen Keller.


Tim Burness
Text reproduced from The Cheeky Guide To Love (© 2003 Cheeekyguides Ltd) and co-written by Tim Burness, who is also a more serious psychological astrologer with over 25 years experience. Tim's blog has a number of astrological articles and anyone interested in real astrology might also want to have a look at arguably the best astrology site on the web,